Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
You Might Also Like
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
For the ones in the back.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
This could be us… but you playing