me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
A drum solo but on your face.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”