Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
You Might Also Like
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?