Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.