If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.