Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
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Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you