ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Erm…
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Merry Christmas
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis