If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.