I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
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[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I’m about to risk it all
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog