every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
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Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Am getting real tired of your crap…