Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
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Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
just witnessed a drug deal
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.