my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
S O O N
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.