I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Blew out my flip flop…
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich