Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
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Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
🙂🙃🥹
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
God has abandoned us.