Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
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Cheers Twitter.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.