Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
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*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
iPhone X
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”