I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
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[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”