When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
britain’s three elite institutions
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.