When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
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Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”