I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
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I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.