If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
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[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
man: wait
time: no
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Monday
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh