I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty