What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
You Might Also Like
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Somebody’s lying.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I need a headline like this
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Sunday
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Thinking about Jeff
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Living the best life.. 😊
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.