Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now