Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*