Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Nothing to do, you say?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope