He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I have so many questions.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me