cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
#Caturday
me hooking up with my ex
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice