went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now