I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear