I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.