I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
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I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀