[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.