I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
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-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Just how popey was the pope today?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Genius idea!!
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes