You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
You Might Also Like
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Liquor Store Parking
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.