Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Europe. Made in Germany.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Hello Twits.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
[eulogy]
line?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*