SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”