“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
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The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?