I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
This will never not be funny 😭
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I am crying
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.