A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
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babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
titanic
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*