*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine