My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
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I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me My dog
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Employees must applaud the planets.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??