Her: 馃槈 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
ME: I鈥檓 always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don鈥檛 know what to do with that.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
you have three unread messages
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you鈥檙e jumping into a pool without the pool.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
comedy isn鈥檛 about making people laugh. it鈥檚 about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
5: Let鈥檚 play house, mommy. You be the baby. I鈥檒l be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It鈥檚 night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn鈥檛 how the game goes, mommy. I鈥檓 the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact