There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
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Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.