Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
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A French press is when you hug naked
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
The glockness monster
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Good morning!
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.