It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
The news
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.