🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
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She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
The Compass
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters