my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
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*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
How to woo a woman
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?