When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I have never related to anyone more.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.