Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Saw online –
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote